It is amazing to think that one year ago today at about the time I am writing this now, I was coming out of surgery on my brain. When I realized this today, I was driving to the grocery store at about the same time that I would have been entering surgery last year. For some reason, I broke down sobbing in the car. I don't know, I just think I was overwhelmed. I'm so thankful... so blessed.
God is so good.
Here are just a few of the reasons...
- I never had seizures in spite of the size of my tumor (check out the pictures... it is scary!) I'm so glad that this never happened with all the time I spend alone with my kids, at home, driving them around, taking walks. The worst problem I had were these unusual headaches.
- God prepared me ahead of time in several subtle ways- through things I was reading in His word, learning in my bible study and a few personal experiences that really prepared me to hear the news that something like this had entered my life. He girded me up, and made me ready to handle what might have drowned me otherwise.
- He provided friends and family with wisdom and encouragement at just the times I needed it. Those who spoke out of their own experiences with learning to trust God and those who turned my attention directly to scripture were especially helpful - but the volume of people who cared about us was more than I ever expected. God abundantly supplied us in that area.
- I made it through surgery without an incident, and God didn't allow my children to be motherless and my husband to be without his wife. I was ready to be with the Lord, but I wasn't ready to leave my children and my husband. There was so much I wanted to say and no time to say it. I'm so thankful that I have more time with them.
- I got to keep my hair! (Well, most of it... a couple patches went missing and a lot has turned grey, but it grew back and I can color it when I want to!)
- Recovery was difficult, but God gave me sweet times of fellowship with him. Dealing with anxiety, pain, and confusion forced me to turn to Him for my peace, security, and stability. He made me understand my dependance on Him and caused me to learn how he is "an ever-present help in times of trouble".
- He has healed me completely from the tumor and it's effects. My most recent MRI shows no signs of any tumor. My brain has returned to "normal". (As normal as it ever was.) I have had no problems with my brain function and no continued headaches.
As much as I am so thankful that God has been good, I believe that He would still have been good if I had not been healed. God is good and does good - even if the outcome had not been like this. "For we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) He does all things for His glory, and he has, through my tumor, done "abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine." "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth or anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus."
How I long for you to know that today...
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, my soul.
(Psalm 103)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
That healthy, radiated glow
I had my first and last Cyberknife treatment today. The doctor sort of suprised me with good news when we came in. He said that in consulting with the other Cyberknife doctors that they have found that the best treatment for my particular type of tumor was not multiple small doses, but one larger dose. So I guess I'm all done! It was just as uneventful as they said. I just lay there on the table listening to classical music and a small amount of clicking and zapping for about thirty minutes and that was all. No side effects so far, so I'm praying for more of nothing! He said it is possible I could lose small amounts of hair, where the beams might have overlapped, but probably minimal or none. The picture is of the mask they made for me to keep my head still on the table. They attach the sides to the table and it keeps you pinned down. So I have my Cyberknife souveniers - my mask, my special pillow, a Cyberknife polo shirt and pen. All that for a mere $$$$$???? But as Trevor prayed tonight (after he got to see the cool robot that zapped Mommy) - Thank you God for putting that robot in that office and for giving that doctor all those good ideas and such a smart brain in his head! AMEN!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Under the Cyber Knife
This is just a news blog, for those who have asked how everything is going lately...
It's time for the next part of my tumor treatment... Cyber Knife. The tumor that was removed was "atypical", which means it was fast growing and had some "strange looking" cells. (I love it when they use such technical language.) The most recent doctor called it "borderline malignant", which was the most scary words used for it yet, but I guess it still isn't considered malignant. However, since it does have a higher rate of recurrance, my doctors want to radiate the borders of the area where it was removed in the hopes of keeping it from coming back. So, I will be going under the Cyber Knife machine for five treatments in about a week. The treatments are supposed to be pretty easy, with very little side effects, if any.(Of course, I can't help but think about how I wasn't supposed to have the complications from surgery that I had either.) I had an MRI and CT scan today, so that they can prepare my treatment plan. I guess I will have to have MRI's at least yearly for the rest of my life. I'm sure I will get used to it, but it will also serve as a regular reminder of my own mortality. It is probably very lucky that I have lived 38 years without having to think about health issues at all. And also in a way lucky that now I will have a tangible reminder that life is always in God's hands.
It's time for the next part of my tumor treatment... Cyber Knife. The tumor that was removed was "atypical", which means it was fast growing and had some "strange looking" cells. (I love it when they use such technical language.) The most recent doctor called it "borderline malignant", which was the most scary words used for it yet, but I guess it still isn't considered malignant. However, since it does have a higher rate of recurrance, my doctors want to radiate the borders of the area where it was removed in the hopes of keeping it from coming back. So, I will be going under the Cyber Knife machine for five treatments in about a week. The treatments are supposed to be pretty easy, with very little side effects, if any.(Of course, I can't help but think about how I wasn't supposed to have the complications from surgery that I had either.) I had an MRI and CT scan today, so that they can prepare my treatment plan. I guess I will have to have MRI's at least yearly for the rest of my life. I'm sure I will get used to it, but it will also serve as a regular reminder of my own mortality. It is probably very lucky that I have lived 38 years without having to think about health issues at all. And also in a way lucky that now I will have a tangible reminder that life is always in God's hands.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Progress
It looks like I'm a little behind on updates. I have written several drafts, but keep deleting them. It's a lot of pressure trying to write something that other people might actually read - especially when you've had a grumpy week. Which is exactly what it has been. The problem is, it has had nothing to do with brain surgery or any legitimate complaint. I had a cold. Sore throat and coughing. Then at physical therapy I did two WHOLE hallway lengths of lunges, and it left me feeling like I had done the hardest workout of my life! Then, I decided that this would be the week that I stop taking my narcotic pain killers - all of them, and my sleeping pills too! And I have felt cold all week. I have been really GRUMPY! I feel so ridiculous for complaining after everything that has happened and everything that hasn't happened. But I guess this is all just part of it. I spent time this week writing all my thank-you notes, which helped with the grumpiness - to remember how thankful I am.
On the good notes... I went to church last week for the first time in two months, and was SO glad to be able to worship (corporately) and reflect on all that God has done. We are finally getting back to a regular school schedule and we are enjoying it. I have been able to rest daily during the kids "rest and read" time and have enjoyed listening to John Piper's sermon series "You Must Be Born Again". I think it is something that everyone should listen to, or you can read his book, "Finally Alive". What an exciting description of God's work in regeneration of our hearts - taking us from death to life through faith in Jesus Christ's finished work.
That's all for now, hopefully I will have time for more later.
On the good notes... I went to church last week for the first time in two months, and was SO glad to be able to worship (corporately) and reflect on all that God has done. We are finally getting back to a regular school schedule and we are enjoying it. I have been able to rest daily during the kids "rest and read" time and have enjoyed listening to John Piper's sermon series "You Must Be Born Again". I think it is something that everyone should listen to, or you can read his book, "Finally Alive". What an exciting description of God's work in regeneration of our hearts - taking us from death to life through faith in Jesus Christ's finished work.
That's all for now, hopefully I will have time for more later.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Getting Back to Normal?
This last week has been a good week. For the first time, I think I am finally taking more steps forward than back. I have been told by other people recovering from various surgeries that when this happens, you are finally on the mend. It is really encouraging to not feel like there is a new problem to overcome.
I have been home with the kids by myself this week, and we have even attempted to get back to homeschool, although school is much scaled back and less ambitious - we are just trying to accomplish the basics so we don't forget how to read and write! Jeff's parents have been coming over in the afternoons so that I can take a nap. It is such a help!! I am usually very worn out after a morning of just the basic activities, and I don't want to leave the kids to themselves while I take a drugged up two hour nap. I have started backing off of the heavy duty narcotic drugs, to non-narcotic prescription pain meds, and my other medications from the surgery are phasing out too. My leg pain issues are getting better with physical therapy. Apparently, the issue was not only atrophied muscles from being in the hospital bed for so long, but also nerve sensitivity from the lumbar drain and blood patch procedures.
So, are we getting back to normal? I realized this week that some of my frustrations are with the clutter in the house, the piles of clean laundry that never get folded and put away and being behind where we "should be" in homeschooling - and then I realized I had those issues before all this, so I guess that is pretty normal! (It just seems to bug me more now.) I'm sure the physical recovery still has a way to go, but I think that normal is more in sight than it was a few weeks ago.
Of course, "normal" is really all relative - it has a lot to do with expectations, and comparisons. What do we expect from life and how do we measure up to those expectations? How do we compare to what other people's "normal" is? I never thought that a brain tumor would be part of my life, and yet I know so many others who have had to deal with challenges that seem so much greater. So, I am learning about being thankful, no matter where God has placed us in life, whatever our challenges or our gifts. A passage comes to mind from the apostle Paul, some familiar verses - and especially powerful when read together in context:
"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances... I have learned the secret of of being content in any and every situation... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 11,12,13
It is also good to know that no matter what our "normal" - that God is in control.
"In Him we were were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory." Ephesians 1:11-12
I have been home with the kids by myself this week, and we have even attempted to get back to homeschool, although school is much scaled back and less ambitious - we are just trying to accomplish the basics so we don't forget how to read and write! Jeff's parents have been coming over in the afternoons so that I can take a nap. It is such a help!! I am usually very worn out after a morning of just the basic activities, and I don't want to leave the kids to themselves while I take a drugged up two hour nap. I have started backing off of the heavy duty narcotic drugs, to non-narcotic prescription pain meds, and my other medications from the surgery are phasing out too. My leg pain issues are getting better with physical therapy. Apparently, the issue was not only atrophied muscles from being in the hospital bed for so long, but also nerve sensitivity from the lumbar drain and blood patch procedures.
So, are we getting back to normal? I realized this week that some of my frustrations are with the clutter in the house, the piles of clean laundry that never get folded and put away and being behind where we "should be" in homeschooling - and then I realized I had those issues before all this, so I guess that is pretty normal! (It just seems to bug me more now.) I'm sure the physical recovery still has a way to go, but I think that normal is more in sight than it was a few weeks ago.
Of course, "normal" is really all relative - it has a lot to do with expectations, and comparisons. What do we expect from life and how do we measure up to those expectations? How do we compare to what other people's "normal" is? I never thought that a brain tumor would be part of my life, and yet I know so many others who have had to deal with challenges that seem so much greater. So, I am learning about being thankful, no matter where God has placed us in life, whatever our challenges or our gifts. A passage comes to mind from the apostle Paul, some familiar verses - and especially powerful when read together in context:
"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances... I have learned the secret of of being content in any and every situation... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 11,12,13
It is also good to know that no matter what our "normal" - that God is in control.
"In Him we were were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory." Ephesians 1:11-12
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